ONDERLAND

What is this magical place?  Onderland.  It is where your weight starts with a “1”–a place that many along this journey I’m on hasn’t been to in a long, long time.  I can’t remember the last time my weight had a 1 as the first number.  Maybe college?  A little after college?  Before I got married?  Maybe 1999?  Maybe earlier?  I really can’t say.  What I can say, is that I hope to never go back and leave Onederland.

It was a funny thing.   I was struggling really hard, pushing so hard, to get to 199.  And the scale was going down, but it was teasing me.  Taunting me.  I was 200.  200.7.  201.  200.2.  One day I was 200.1 and another just plain 200–and I was like COME ON.  It was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t break that threshold.

One night, during this, I was at home, I had some carbs and some wine.  Things I try to normally stay away from.  But I was down, and well, they may have “fixed” my stomach, but they haven’t “fixed” my brain, and so even though I’m trying to find other ways, I still sometimes turn to food –or at least want to turn to food–for comfort.  A bad day, stress, disappointment–you know what doesn’t disappoint?  Something delicious.  And so, I had a glass of wine, and a microwave waffle.  It wasn’t “delicious” but the reality is that I’ve removed pretty much almost anything “bad” from my apartment because I know that when a craving strikes, I’m not likely to order in, but I am likely to eat my way through whatever crap I have laying around.  So, what I had to choose from was a frozen waffle or nothing.  LOL.  I went for the waffle.  And the wine.  A glass of Pinot Noir.  Fit the bill.  I went to bed, with the understanding and acceptance that today I didn’t make great choices, and that the scale would reflect that tomorrow, but that each day is a struggle and some days I will succeed, some days I will fail, and some days will be somewhere in between.  Tomorrow was a new day.

Yet, I woke up, and forced my reluctant (and of course regretful) self onto the scale.  I expected to see 203 or thereabouts, given my wine and waffle fiesta.  I didn’t want to see that, and I didn’t want to get on the scale, but that is what this is about–doing it to stay accountable and keep on track, even when I really, really want to stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.

So, I got on the scale.  And it said 199.9.  And I froze.  I literally froze. I said, to myself, out loud, SHUT UP! Because I couldn’t believe it.  So I weighed myself three more times.  And each time it said 199.9.  It wasn’t much over the threshold, but it was over.  It counts.  AND I WAS 199!!!!!  I was so excited, I couldn’t believe it.  It is incredible how the body works.   I certainly don’t understand it, but I was thrilled.

Since then I’ve been down lower in the 199 and up to early 200s, as my weight does and will fluctuate.  But it was a great day.  🙂

I also tried on another Jones Suit skit–and the 12 zipped.  It was snug for sure, but it zipped.  Now I’m wearing the 16 which is loose, the 14 which fits, and the 12 which is snug as heck. lol.  I bought a 14 pair of jeans–I haven’t had a pair of jeans lol, in YEARS.  Not even jeans, just pants.  Being an apple shape, I hated how I looked in pants.  So now I’m wearing leggings (with boots b/c they fit now too!!!), and jeans, and I’m a 12/14 sometimes 16 depending on brand.

I’m not done, but it is funny to look at the math.  They say the sleeve will help you loose 60% of your “excess ‘weight.”  Of course the BMI scale has my “ideal weight” at a wild range of 121 and 159.  That being said, I weighed 265 at surgery (maybe a few pounds more, but that’s the last reading I had).  My “optimal weight” for being five foot 7 is between 121 and 159.  (to give you reference, in college at my lowest I was 155 when I did weight watchers with my mom.  I remember being 190 at a pediatrician visit in high school where the doctor told my mom I could stand to lose a few pounds–and I thought I looked great LOL).

So if we take an average, that would be 140 as an optimal weight for my height.  265-140 is 125, meaning I had 125 pounds of “excess weight.”  60% of 125 is 75 pounds.  I have lost 66.  I am rather close.

Now, if you take 159 as the optimal weight–which is the high range but still reasonable and would be about my college weight, then 265 – 159 is 106, meaning I had 106 pounds of “excess weight” to lose.  60% of that “excess weight” would be 63.6 pounds.  I’ve lost 66.  Which means that on the high end of my ideal BMI, I’ve already beat the 60%.

I’m not going to stop, but I remember being so worried I would fail.  I think I still worry that I will fail.  But I’m going to keep that worry, because it helps me to remember where I was, and where I am now, and therefore how far I’ve come.

From my highest recorded (known) weight I’m down 109 pounds.  And to be fair, I weighed more than that at one point but don’t have the actual number to quantify it.

Current weight:  199

Weight lost since surgery: 66

Weight lost since highest recorded weight:  109.

Current size:  12/14 (some 16s depending on brand)

Size at surgery:  20/22

Highest size: 26/28

And that is something.  🙂

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Day 200! Let’s catch up :)

Well, it has been quite a while since I blogged.  I just looked and first, I missed my “6 month surgiversary” on 1/7/15—totally passed and I didn’t even notice!  Second, today is day 200 since surgery!

So, where am I?  Well, I stalled for most of the second half of November, and a good deal of December too.  The holidays weren’t exactly conducive to weight loss, but I didn’t really gain except to continue to fluctuate over the range of about 5 pounds.  No-weigh November was a disaster.  I got out of the habit of weighing, and realized, I really do need to weigh all the time, because I am that person who doesn’t notice they gained weight till it is like 40 pounds lol.  I just don’t see or feel it—and maybe that will change when I am smaller—but given my history I doubt it.  I gained 90 pounds in college in 3 months—and I knew I was gaining a little, but I had no idea it was that much.  ZERO idea.  I would have guessed maybe 20-30.  How ridiculous is that? I gave in finally and weighed and found that I had fluctuated and was on the higher side of the fluctuation, and that was it—no weigh November was over.  In January, I found that if I was super strict with calories (as I’m still not really exercising), then I would consistently lose.  I did 600 cals or less one week and lost every day.  But if I stopped that crazy strictness, I would maintain and slightly wobble between a few pounds above, and not lose.  I know exercise would likely help, but knowing and getting myself to the doing are two very different things.

HW was 308 (highest known weight—I was actually heavier but never weighed, so this is the highest I know)

SW was 265  (my usual weight had been about 276 for a few years, but I lost a few pounds before surgery)

CW is 209.

I was wearing a 20/22 at surgery in suits.  At my heaviest, I was wearing a 26 and it was getting REAL tight, so I was likely a 28.  I’m now wearing a 16 suit skirt, and a 14 jacket.    In dresses I’m wearing 14s and 16s.

That means, I’m a total of down 99 pounds from my highest recorded weight.  From my usual weight, I’m down a total of 67 pounds.  And from my surgery weight, I’m down a total of 56 pounds.

The 16 suit skirt that was SO tight when I got it is now comfortable.  The 16 jacket now closes.  The 14 jacket closed this weekend for the first time, but it is tight for sure.

My biggest regret is never measuring myself.  I know that some days when I don’t lose, I still have lost inches and I have no way to measure it.  If you are doing this–measure yourself.  My mom wanted me to do it but I was too embarrassed, and I completely regret it.

I know I lost a few in the months before surgery (11 pounds—but this was actually that I lost 25, and regained 14, so I had kept 11 off by surgery date, as I was still “trying to lose it myself.”—which is funny because screw that bullshit—I’m still losing it myself!).  People use tools to lose weight all the time—gym equipment, trainers, diet pills, crazy soup diets, and yet those tools are considered losing it yourself and the “hard” way—and are acceptable. Whereas, a tool like making my stomach smaller is somehow not considered a tool and is “easier.”  People have no freaking idea. Lol.

I know it is only just over 6 months—but both the idea of 6 months and or 200 days since I began this journey is INSANE.  Part of me can’t believe that much time has passed—and of course my first thought is have I lost enough weight for this much time?  Is this enough?  Am I behind?  Am I doing ok?  Am I failing?  Then there is a part of me that is like, wow, look at how different I look and feel as compared to then.  It is crazy.  I’m a different “shape.”  I was always SUCH an “apple” shape.  My body is literally an apple on two sticks.  Always has been.  Which, is the hardest, because of all the shapes one could be, an apple, a pear, hourglass—the apple is not only the worst looking, but you look the heaviest always, and it is supposedly the worst health wise for you.  Whatever weight I was, I always would look and appear heavier than someone who was the same weight but who was a pear shape.  I guess because having that weight around your upper half, around your face, and chest, where people see when they look right at you at first, gives the appearance of being bigger, than say having a larger hip and butt area or bigger thighs.  Further, having the larger butt and hips and thighs also is more associated with being “curvy,” whereas back fat, huge boobs (while still appreciated LOL), and a thick round middle is never considered much else besides “fat.”

But now, I’m a different shape.  I’ve lost, surprisingly, a lot on the top area, and it seems like my body wants to keep that middle section dual belly rolls at all costs, because it seems to redistribute my weight down there often.  The past week I’ve noticed my thighs look heavier than before, but my top shoulder area, boobs, and especially my waist is way thinner.  I’ve also noticed my butt seems more round and less flat than before.  I’ve always been cursed with a flat butt (I call it my Teflon ass) because skinny jeans and pants just slide right off lol.  No butt to hold it up.  LOL.  Could it be that I am transforming into a pear?  That would be something surprising.

I was at work the other day, and I was comparing myself to some other ladies who are on the heavy side.  I asked this guy I work with, who is gay and always comments on my outfits and look, and I asked him, do I still look like that?  He said, girllllll, NO.  You are in a different category now.  It was a moment of vindication–FINALLY–I’m not that anymore.  I’ve waited and struggled so long and so hard to be out of that category.  I feel almost normal weight now–like still “thick” but more like the chubby girl instead of the HUGE girl.  I’ve talked about it and now I’m the thick, curvy girl, instead of the BBW.  Those are three letters I so never want to say about myself ever again.  BBW bye bye.

But the best part about that last paragraph is about my waist.  I FOUND A WAIST.  I used to be so rounded, so apple, that my middle, even where I had a bit of a waist, was still so thick, it wasn’t noticeable.  Now, I see a waist.  I see a more shapely, more hourglass figure emerging and it is crazy exciting.  I don’t hate every single picture of me anymore.  Even candid photos, sure some aren’t the best, but even the worst ones aren’t THAT bad, and I’m always still surprised at how I look.  I never got used to how I looked even at my heaviest.  I always saw myself as me, I guess how I looked most of my younger life until college when I gained all this weight (and thereafter kept gaining, losing, and re-gaining).  I remember so many times being surprised at photos or the mirror, or if I caught a glimpse of myself in a passing reflection—I was also so surprised that I looked THAT big or THAT fat.  Like, I knew I was heavy, overweight, BBW, fat—whatever you want to call it, but in my mind I was never THAT big.  I guess the eyes and the mind –even in my mirror—sees what it wants to see sometimes.

Now, I still sometimes see what isn’t there.  Some days I see so much fat.  I see hardly a change.  And yet at the same time, I see a huge change.  It is a very weird dichotomy, but it totally exists.

So, 200 days out.  I’ve had time to get used to this lifestyle.  To accept it, to struggle, to rage against it, to test its limits, to resign myself to it, to love it, to hate it, and everything in between.  I’m sure my feelings will continue to grow.  It was a huge decision.  This isn’t like a diet where you can take a day off.  Sure you can eat bad things, but there is always a very small window of it.  The stomach is still small.  Even soft things that I can eat more of than expected, still isn’t what it was before.

While my greedy stomach-brain and my eating disorder brain and my addiction brain secretly wishes I could still eat the whole plate and have a huge delicious feast, the rational part of my brain—the part that made me do this because I knew it HAD to be done—that part of me prays and hopes that it never stretches, and that I am restricted for life.  It is hard.  It is.  Don’t let anyone tell you that this struggle isn’t real, or that it is the easy way out.  It certainly is not.  It still requires self control, it still requires making good healthy choices, it still requires limiting myself—because the reality is that I can wait 30 minutes and eat again if I wanted to because the stomach seems to empty quickly now.  I could eat soft foods that seem to slide through and not fill me much like pasta all day.  I don’t like ice cream, but I can see how some people can have WLS and either not lose weight or gain it back.  It is very much a tangible reality.

I have to accept this as a tool.  It isn’t a fix, it isn’t a cure, it is a tool.  A tool to help the physical part of eating meals.  I have to force myself to avoid snacking, avoid extra meals, or going back after 30 minutes for a bit more.  I have to try to stick to three tiny meals, and somehow (still failing on this part) get my butt to exercise more.  They may have “fixed” my stomach, but they didn’t “fix” my brain.  This is what people don’t realize.

I can completely see how people who have had WLS don’t lose or regain the weight.  It really isn’t that hard.  Like everything else in life, we learn how things—in this case—the modified stomach—works, and learn ways to sabotage it, to work around it, and to trick it.  The hard part is having the willpower, the strength, and the perseverance to not do those things.  It is a hard, HARD road, and in the end, it all still comes back to the mental element.  An eating disorder, a food addiction, isn’t about your stomach, it is about your brain.

I do find blogging helps me work out my feelings more, and release the stress of it, so I’m going to try to get back into blogging and writing about it.  If you’re considering surgery, or had it, I’d suggest doing it. Even if you keep it private and don’t blog about it, I think writing about it, and just letting it all out—saying whatever you’re feeling with, is so helpful.  I also am amazed when I go look back at the journey from the beginning.  It is amazing to see the changes, the emotions, the rollercoaster—and how much I’ve changed, grown, and will therefore, still continue to change, emerge, and grow.  I hope!  (and grow smaller physically LOL).

People have asked me how if I feel “better.”  They mean physically.  The answer is no.  I still feel the same.  I still feel like me.  I was lucky that I didn’t have huge issues with breathing, getting out of breath doing basic tasks, or stuff like that—I wasn’t at that point yet.  So, I still feel the same.  But where I do feel a difference is in doing things.  Like when I was in Florida, I remember walking back and forth from the beach to the concession stand area and it was a hike.  In the past, I know I would have had my ex-husband do it, and it would have been hard for me.  A struggle.  Now, it felt like a little walk, no big deal.  And that, IS a big deal.

I am going to try on the size 14 suit skirt tonight.  Fingers crossed!

PS I use Instagram for WLS support.  If you are interested, it is a great way to get ideas for meals, encouragement, and support (except for the few drama queens and crazies—but every group has those).  I wanted a support system, but didn’t feel comfortable going to a real support group in person, and this thing has been helpful.  I even organized a local meet and greet which was awesome. If you want to do it too, just put in your name and or profile your surgery or something that lets others know you had/are having WLS because most of us screen for WLS people.  I do.  My name there is AttractiveNuisance_VSG.

Pity party, table for one

It is day 129. It is still hard to believe. Some days I’m ecstatic and others I’m down in the dumps. While the cerebral part of me knows it is stupid and that I’m just adjusting to this emotional life change, the heart part of me just feels bad and fat.

Maybe I’m being crazy, or silly, or having a pity party but it is still hard. There are so many emotions that I don’t even know what half of them are for. I mean, sure part of me has feelings about food, but the majority of the feelings at this point aren’t even about food that much. They are about being scared of failure, that ill never actually be thin and fit and healthy. That this was for nothing, and that I’ll fail at this weight loss attempt as I have over and over again. Just this time will be worse because it is more public, more well known–people know I’ve had a major surgery to deal with an eating disorder. And so the shame and embarrassment of failing looms even larger. Worried that I’ll stretch it by accident. That I’ll have gross loose skin and empty boobs. And won’t have the funds to fix it. That’s a kick in the teeth isn’t it. Lose the weight, get healthy, and still won’t be able to wear a bikini or look sexy in bed. More body related embarrassment but from a different cause. Irony.

When I see pictures of myself, even recent pictures, compared to now, I know I’ve lost weight. When I see the scale, even on days I want to toss it out the window, it tells me I’ve lost weight. I don’t know if the mind is so good at adapting or what, but when I look in the mirror I don’t see much change. Now, I know you’re thinking body dysmorphic disorder alert! Lol. But hold on. It isn’t that I see myself as huge, or looking how I used to look, it is just that without a life size comparison picture next to me in the mirror, I just see me. And me doesn’t look that different to me when standing alone. I still see the two tummy rolls of fat, the back fat, the double chin, and that’s because they still exist. Sure, they are smaller than before, but without the comparison, I just feel like there appears to be hardly any difference at all.

I still see overweight. I still see heavy. I still see fat.

It is frustrating too, this whole scale business. I lose a little, then I regain it and have to relose it like three times before it sticks. I was down to 219– I had a great week last week–and now I’m playing around between 219-221 all this week. When I regain it makes no sense since I’m eating nothing and not being bad. My “bad” is having some protein snacks like beef jerky or sautéed carrots or seaweed. So gaining feelings like a slap in the face.

I know I need to get on exercising. It is just so foreign to me, and something is holding me back.

Basically, today I just felt fat. I felt like the mirror was looking like I always looked, which I know isn’t true, but it is how I felt today.

Tomorrow will be better I hope.

I’m going to subscribe to this no weigh November thing people are doing on Instagram. Because looking at the scale daily is just having the effect of pissing me off and ruining my day. When I lose I’m so thrilled, but when I gain it is like I just want to toss the scale, crawl back into bed, and cry. What an overly dramatic drama queen have I become! Sad, but true.

I think my biggest fear and reason for not yet participating in the no weigh November is that what if December 1st rolls around and I get on the scale and I’m the same? Or worse still, heavier?

They were right when they said this wasn’t an easy road. And for so many more and different reasons than I ever expected.

Day 120.

Weight loss since surgery on 7/7/14: 45 pounds
Weight loss including little bit lost before surgery: 56 pounds
Weight loss from highest recorded weight: 88 pounds

Current weight: 220 lbs.

So a lot has changed. I can’t believe it has been 120 days since surgery. How time flies. I’ve accepted more the reality that I am in. And it doesn’t upset me like it did before when I occasionally felt frustrated. I do have moments of thinking why bother eating anything good at all when I can only have a tiny bit, but that comes and goes along with the pity party I’m having when I feel those feelings. It’s a whole new life and experience, and just because this surgery happened doesn’t magically change my relationship with food, my eating disorder, nor how I feel about food. That will undoubtedly continue to change but will take time and I’m ok with that.

I have had some scale and non scale victories for sure. I bought Alex and ani bracelets when I went to Vegas presurgery and they fit my wrist snug. Now they move around as does my watch.

I had to buy a new suit as I only have one left that doesn’t look like a bag on me. I bought a Jones NY size 16 and except for the boobs, it fits.

I also put on a dress that was a goal dress. I was SO FREAKING excited!!!! I had this dress in a 22 that I loved. So about a year ago I bought it in a 14 (same dress same brand) and had it as a goal dress. Usually when I tried to put it on, I could barely get my arms through it and would be stuck at the elbow. So about two weeks ago I got out of the shower and was like let’s see how far I have to go to get into it. You can imagine my SHOCK when I got into it. Allll. The. Way! It was snug, but it is meant to be that way as it is strapless and I don’t wear a bra with it. I was floored and so excited I took pics before I even dried my hair.

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NSVs

Two non scale victories!

I’ve had this necklace since about 2009 or so, and I’ve never really wore it despite loving how it looks. I never wore it because it was always too small. The chain was snug and too short even when I would lose a little. I also thought that the size of the necklace was just too small for my body.

Guess what I’m wearing now! While I still think it looks small, it is more reasonable now and I think looks ok.

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The second is the difference in my airplane seatbelt. It used to fit snugly all the way extended and I can remember a time at my heaviest where I struggled and fought to get the buckle to close and meet so as to not need an extender. I never took the extender but I was offered it once. Which was not fun. I always managed to suck in, suffer, and stuff it together. This time, there is a lot of room. This is the most extra seatbelt I can remember having in I can’t remember how long!

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Vacation Woes

So it has been a while.

In the interim I joined Instagram and found lots of sleevers and other weight loss patients who are sharing pictures of success, struggles, and what they are eating–food, protein stuffs, and just bits of their life. It made me feel better about not being perfect and made me feel less alone in this.

I also went on vacation. Most of my friends don’t get as much vacation as I do, and most have kids and significant others, so it is hard to get away with friends all the time. I do sometimes, and I love those times, but I can’t expected to always find someone to go with. However, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from having a relaxing break. I was super stressed at work, and with this new lifestyle, and annoyed and just needed some sun and fun. So I booked a last minute trip to Florida.

I learned a lot about myself on vacation. I learned that I don’t need anyone else with me to have fun, but that certain activities can get lonely alone. I’m a fun person and friendly, and I made new friends every single day. I got in some swimming laps and some walking.

I noticed that when I get up out of the beach lounge chairs I have a much easier time getting up than in years past. I also noticed that, for example, today I drove up to Siesta Key, and the walk from the parking lot area to the beach was far. In the past it would have been hard for me to walk it, especially to drag a beach chair and all my stuff with me. And even harder to drag the chair and the umbrella allllll the way back to the parking area to drop it off and then walk back again. But I did it today like it was nothing, all the while knowing that in the past it would have been a struggle for me.

I also learned that apparently vacation was for me, an extra excuse to go wild. To drink, to be naughty, to eat whatever I wanted and to eat whenever I felt like it. Lots of fruity alcoholic drinks, sure. In the past, if a delicious snack came by even though we just ate –it wouldn’t have been a problem. We would still eat it Bc it was delicious and heyyyy its vacation! Because to me, vacation meant a vacation from everything. Vacation from stress, work, responsibilities, dieting, rational healthy and sound choices. It’s vacation. It doesn’t count. But it does.

So now, being here after the vsg, things are different. I tried to head myself off at the pass by picking up beef jerky, little packs of ready made tuna fish, yogurt, and I brought seaweed snacks. I also picked up things during the week like lettuce leaves, seafood salad, and chicken salad to makes healthy meals and save on cash. I also ate leftovers as I mostly only ate dinner out.

Still, I found myself wanting. I wasn’t really hungry but I was mentally hungry. Mentally wanting. Mentally struggling. I think part of it was boredom, and being on vacation; old habits die hard. While I definitely ate more and more often than I have been at home, at least it was all protein choices. The only bad things I had was on my last night where I had a soft chicken taco with veggies and hot sauce and then the one sweet I actually like but rarely have (maybe once every two years lol) a snickers ice cream bar. Both went down easy–too easy. But the rest of the week I ate lots of fresh seafood, fish, yogurt, lettuce, veggies, seaweed, tuna/chicken/seafood salad, and really nothing else “bad.” And a protein shake every morning after I choked down a yogurt.

I also drank alcohol. That was a hard one. Laying on the beach sipping a drink is heavenly. And resisting was hard. Especially when the best place to be friendly and meet people is at the beach bar/bar. Super hard.

I think it may have been easier if I wasn’t alone. I think if I had company I might have been more occupied, more busy, and less able to be bored and looking to nosh. I think having time alone in my room didn’t help either.

Overall I tried. I definitely had some success and some failure. But I tried. And I’m going to keep trying. I learned a lot about myself and about myself on vacation this week.

And I’m petrified to get on the scale tomorrow when I get home. Like so so scared.

😦

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Bathing suit victory

So a few years ago, like five, lol, Lands End had some nice suits on clearance. Like ten bucks kInd of clearance. They make nice, good quality suits and so I bought some even though they weren’t in my size. Being hopeful, I said I’ll get into it someday. For the past few years, even as recent, as March, I tried them on, and I either couldn’t get them all the way on or couldn’t breathe. Usually both.

Then last night, suddenly, someday arrived.

They fit! Like comfy I can wear this all day and still breathe kind of fit. I wore the bottoms today (the top is actually too big on me but I had no other tops lol). The other suit is a top and a bottom which I may wear tomorrow. I was so surprised and excited.

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While I was super excited about that, I have some bad news. It’s official. My boobs are losing volume and getting a litttttttlllleee wrinkly. And my arms. And my tummy. And my thighs. And I’m having a heart attack. I know skin won’t shrink and re absorb immediately but holy crap. So next week I plan to join a gym with my brother because I need to get on this skin issue. Any recommendations of exercises, certain moved with weights, etc that you found helped with skin let me know. 😦

The long awaited 220s!

228!

It was only yesterday that I was commenting how awesome it would be when I hit the 220s instead of the 230s. Then a little bit after posting, I got on the scales and it said 228.8. I was positive it must be a false reading. Maybe because I’m weighing myself a little later in the morning? Well I got on that scale twenty times and it still said the same. Today, also later in the morning, it said 228.7.

So we shall see if it is a false reading or not come Monday when I’m back to early morning weigh ins. However, it sure felt good. I haven’t seen a 220s number for a long, long, long time.

In other news, I’m really finding that at times, I’m not hungry but that I want something. I think for the most part, Im never really, actually “hungry.” Once in a while, like now when it is late in the day and I haven’t yet eaten or drank anything yet, I feel what I think is hunger, but it is different than before surgery. It feels more like a gentle nudge; a hint of emptiness, as if my pouch wants to say, hey maybe we could have some food because I’m empty. But it isn’t like before. When my doctor asked me if I’m hungry sometimes, and I said “I think so”— because honestly I’m not even sure. I’m definitely not hungry in the terms of the normal pre surgery hungry. Definitely not.

But I do find at times I’m just wanting something. That familiar urge to eat and enjoy and satisfy whatever that is inside me that is asking for a snack. I’m trying to deal with those times by eating those roasted Seaweed snacks (which don’t seem to affect my weight loss and are high in vitamins and nutrients), or some microwave veggies with hot sauce, sliced cucumbers, and low calorie things like that. It isn’t perfect; trust me I wish I could never want anything but it is reality. I’m not a perfect person but I am trying hard.

This brand of seaweed has a kimchi flavor that is totally my favorite.

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I do finally see a little difference in clothing. That suit skirt from last post was exciting to fit into. And I wore a black dress yesterday that I wore a few Valentines ago and it was tight then. Now not only is it loose, but it looks totally different on me.

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Here’s my lunch yesterday. It’s 2 ounces of Trader Joe’s mojito salmon and some raw, unseasoned arrugala. I started to get full when finishing up the arrugala. The salmon was just ok.

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Weight loss since surgery on 7/7/14: 37 pounds
Weight loss including little bit lost before surgery: 48 pounds
Weight loss from highest recorded weight: 80 pounds

And I’m going with whole numbers when writing how much I’ve lost—not counting the decimals. So 228.7 is 228 from now on. Thanks http://www.damfat.wordpress.com, you’ve convinced me. 🙂

Scars, scars, go away.

I’ve been using this scar treatment patch called Scar Away on my biggest and most pronounced incision scar. It is the one right below my bra, front and center. It was actually an incision from the gall bladder surgery in April, and my sleeve surgeon was able to reuse it. I think he actually improved the appearance of it (a little). However, it is still prominent and looking like it is considering keloiding so I’m focusing on that one. Many of the others are flat and just like a red mark. I haven’t seen any improvement yet, and the stuff is rather pricey. After the box is done, I’m going to try vitamin E and coco butter as people keep telling me how great they are. I also might try that bio oil. Anyone have any success?

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Here you can see the sticker on me. It is a clear round patch, and it caused that really attractive red and glue rim mark around it. Lol.

Talk about smexy!!!!! Oh baby!!!